I’ve had something rolling around in the nether regions of my brain for the last 4 or 5 years that many of my readers have been asking me to do. And no, it’s not quit writing this column… sorry. People have been asking me for years to write a column that they could read in their hometown newspapers when it shows up in their driveway every week.
Well folks, that time has finally come! The stars and the moon have lined up, and after thinking about it forever, we have made it a reality. We have launched a new weekly syndicated column called Koehler’s Khronicles. This new column will not be jewelry related in any way. It’s just a humorous look at day to day life in America. If you’ve been reading me here for the last 12 or 13 years, then you’ll get a kick out of my new column as well. It’s basically the same thing, but without the jewelry industry connection.
I’m not giving up my day job though. Nothing will change about what I do on a day to day basis around here. I still have to get up every morning and open the safe and put merchandise out and run my business just like always. This is just a new adventure that I’m now ready to explore. I’ve wanted to do this for several years and now we’re good to go, ready to launch.
But – I really need your help.
I’ve got a humongous favor to ask all of my loyal readers out there if you want to see my new column in your local newspaper. Because most of you work in, or own, jewelry stores in small towns, most of you advertise in your hometown newspaper. Clip out the info for my new column below. When you mail in your check to pay your advertising bill, would you include that clipping with a personal note to your friends at the newspaper and ask them to give us a try. The first six weeks are free, to let them see if it’s a good fit for their publication.
As much as I enjoy coming into your workplace every month, I’d like even more to come into your living room every week. It’s going to be a fun, light hearted, snicker once or twice while you’re reading it kind of column – just like I try to do here most of the time. I’ve included a sample below for everyone to see what it’s all about. If you like what you read, please encourage your local newspaper to give us a try. Our info is:
A Family Funeral
Author: Chuck Koehler
I attended a funeral recently where I had the honor of serving as a pallbearer. When the funeral director got the six of us together to go over our responsibilities, the first thing all six of us did was decide which position we needed to take up due to physical ailments. Since I’ve had recent surgery on my left knee, I opted for center/left on the casket so I’d put the bulk of the weight on my right knee.
The negotiations took us a while because it was like; “I’ve got a bad right shoulder so I need to be on the left side.” Or, “I’ve got a bad back and I need to be in the middle.” Or, “I can’t put any pressure on my right hand because of arthritis.”
After we all agreed on where we needed to be, we took up our positions and carried the casket into the chapel. All went pretty well with round one of my pallbearer duties, but my good knee started hurting just a little bit. After a lovely service, I put on a brave face and took up my position, across from my brother with the bad shoulder, my cousin with the bum right foot, my uncle with the arthritis, an in-law that I can’t remember how’s he’s related (but he was broken in some way or the other too), and some guy I’ve never met who didn’t care where he was positioned – show off. We performed round two of our duties and put the casket into the hearse. Then we all limped to our cars to line up for the funeral procession.
A couple of people said they couldn’t drive because they’ve got bad eyesight. I invited them to ride with me, but since I was driving a two door rental car, they didn’t think either of them could fold up enough to get into, or out of, the backseat. We held up the procession for a minute and did some people swapping. I put some youngsters in my car and put the older people in the back of a minivan. After about 30 minutes of moving people around, we got it all figured out and headed to the cemetery.
Once there, I took up my agreed upon position on the left side, center of the casket and got ready to motor through round three of my pallbearer duties. As we started to move, the funeral director says, “Okay guys, we’re going to walk up that hill over there and……”
No way! I’m setting this thing down right now. There is no way I’m walking up a hill with this heavy box! The six of us (okay maybe just five of us) can barely walk with this thing on level ground. There’s no way my knee, his shoulder, his arthritis, and his whatever, is going to make it up that hill with this casket. If I would have known we were going off-roading I would have worn hiking boots, not my slick-soled church going shoes.
But, before I could protest, the other 5 pallbearers started moving and now I’m just hanging on for dear life trying not to drag my fellow pallbearers down the hill with the casket.
Sweating, wheezing, out of breath, and feeling my knees starting to swell up like grapefruits, we get up to the top of the hill and realize we still have to lift the casket 24” up onto the platform. No way fellas, can’t do it, got nothing left in the tank. But somehow, some mysterious force overcomes all of us and with a final heave ho, we get it up there.
After a short grave side service I realize that I’ve now got to walk back down that same grassy hill, in my same slick soled Sunday shoes, with one knee that will no longer bend. This is going to be tricky. Afterwards, I say my good-byes to everyone, get back in my car, and drive to the airport to fly home.
Once on the plane, I get settled into my seat, get my knee positioned the best I could, and then had the good fortune of having a gorgeous woman sit beside me who wanted to tell me all about herself. All I could think was; “Man, I wish she would talk into my good ear.”
© Copyright Chuck Koehler/Koehler’s Khronicles 2014