Think about something. When going online, we have absolutely no problem whatsoever with accepting whatever terms and conditions are placed in front of us? If for some reason we don’t accept them, we just check the ‘I decline these terms and conditions’ and get on with our bad selves. People are so accustomed to agreeing to terms and conditions these days that I think it’s time I have my own list of terms and conditions you must accept, and sign, before you can come in my store.
I mean why shouldn’t I be able to set the terms and conditions about what you can and cannot do when you’re in my store? I’ve started my new terms and conditions below, but it’s still a work in progress so please let me know if I’m missing anything. I’m sure this document will be updated on a regular basis - probably hourly - but here’s my first draft.
1. Play nice at all times. My store, my rules. Please remember this at all times.
1a. As the boss, I can fire you as a customer at any time I deem necessary.
2. When you decide to not play nice, see rule #1a.
3. No, you cannot come back in the shop and watch me do it.
4. No, I will not explain to you why you can’t come back and watch me do it. If you ask me, you will have violated these terms and conditions and you will need to go stand on that trap door over there in the corner while I pull this very large handle.
5. You cannot ask me how much something costs me. You can only ask me how much something is going to cost you. Please initial this term separately that you understand and agree.
6. No, you can’t have your gold back after I size your ring. If you attempt to violate this term, you will be charged double, and you’ll like it. Initial here please.
7. You are not allowed behind the counters at any time unless you work here. Please ask for an application if you feel you need to walk behind the counters.
8. You are not allowed to tell me that you make jewelry. You are also not allowed to ask me if I will sell your homemade jewelry in my store - EVER!
9. You are not allowed, at any time, to tell me about the time you took a jewelry making class.
9a. You are also not allowed to offer your expert opinion since you are in fact in my store paying me for my expert opinion. One expert opinion will be enough for today.
10. You are not allowed to make the statement, “I could do it if I had the tools,” at any time.
11. If it’s raining outside and you just walked through 6 miles of mud to get here, you are not allowed to track said 6 miles of mud into my store.
11a. This rule applies double if you come to see me right after taking Fido and Fifi to the dog park.
12. If you are a fan of cologne, please refrain from dousing yourself in it until you have completed your business with us. If you find yourself in a situation where you’ve already bathed in said cologne, please make your visit as short as humanly possible. No lingering allowed.
13. You are not allowed at any time to bring your own loupe into the store. Nor are you allowed to ask to use one of mine unless you’re really gonna buy whatever it is you want to see more closely. Please refer to paragraph 9a before you even ask. We reserve the option of charging you a non-refundable $129 fee for using our loupe, which we will gladly take off of your purchase.
14. You are not allowed at any time to use the phrase, “I just want to pick your brain for a minute.” This phrase will only be allowed when stated in precisely this manner: “Here’s a $100 dollar bill. I’d like to pick your brain for a couple of minutes.” When your couple of minutes has expired, you are required to promptly exit the building or to state this phrase: “Here’s another $100 dollar bill. I’d like to pick your brain for a couple more minutes.”
15. When inquiring about the price of a repair, you are not allowed to say, “Well the jeweler down the street is cheaper.” If this is indeed the case, you will keep said information confidential to yourself. Although you are allowed to say, “Let me think about it for a day or two,” and exit the building.
16. You are not allowed to mention how much you paid for any item while getting a repair estimate. The price you paid at a yard sale and the cost of the repair are not related in any way. Please do not try to relate them while on these premises. Please decline our terms and conditions immediately if you feel you are going to violate this condition.
17. When you bring in your cheap watch for an estimate to have a new band, a new crystal, and a full service, you are not allowed to say, “It only cost $39.” You just violated rule #16 and I’m going to have to ask you to please go stand on that trap door over there while I pull this very large handle. Bye bye.
Terms and conditions 18 - 21a apply during the month of December:
18. If you are in town visiting in-laws that you don’t like, and are just out killing time with no intention of buying anything, you are not allowed to enter these premises. Please check the “I decline these terms and conditions” box and go to Target and wander around there for a couple of hours.
19. If you want to discuss with me a custom piece for your 25th anniversary, but you’ve only been married for 19 years, please come back in August - any August.
20. You are not allowed to bring in any item purchased via eBay, Pinterest, Etsy, Craigslist, or other similar online venues and ask me if you “got ripped off.” Rule #14 does not apply to items purchased from these online sellers.
21. If said items from #20 arrive broken and require emergency repairs before presenting them to your loved ones at Christmas, please contact seller about such emergency repairs. If said seller is unavailable, please present five $100 dollar bills in cash when asking if I can squeeze them in. I’ll return any bills not required for squeezing in. I promise!
21a. Also, please refrain from using the phrase, “But I only paid….” This will result in a short trip over to the trap door in the corner.
And trust me; you don’t want to stand on the trap door. Nothing good happens once I fly off the...I mean, pull the handle.